viene la morte dolce
by justkissmeidiot
Summary: "i pray the lord my soul to keep."    warning: character deaths.
1. lovino

**i.**

today i drank some bleach

just a little

not much at all, really.

bleach is a cleanser. bleach will clean me.

and my heart will be white white white – so pure, so clean.

bleach gets rid of filth.

i am filth.

i am still here.

bleach doesn't work well, does it?

tomorrow, i will try a pesticide.

**ii.**

spain, mistook me for veneziano today.

antonio, mistook me for feliciano today.

what the fuck?

this isn't even the first time.

he said to me, "oi feli—"

then he paused,

saw my frown,

realized perfect beautiful pure feliciano would never frown

and realized his mistake

"oh. lovi. lo siento."

no

i'm sorry

for not being my brother

you prefer him, right?

you all do.

**iii.**

feliciano is my brother.

feliciano is my twin brother.

feliciano is my _identical _twin brother.

so why aren't i as beautiful as him?

why can't i be as wonderful as him?

why

why

why

we are identical

but not at all alike.

**iv.**

i am an artist

my blade is my paint brush

my blood my paint

and my arm my canvas

the contrast of the red red red blood

and my pale white white white skin

is so

breathtakingly

beautiful

and for a moment

i feel every bit as _beautiful_

as feliciano is.

**v.**

antonio saw the evidence of my art today

the thin scars lining from my wrist

up up up to my shoulder.

he frowned

opened his mouth

closed it

and

walked away

he didn't say anything

because he doesn't care

but doesn't he see?

i do this for him!

to be beautiful and perfect and wonderful for him!

why isn't he happy?

**vi.**

i realized

my mistake

why antonio isn't happy

this isn't something feliciano would do

and if i don't do as he does

then antonio will never love me

**vii.**

today i tried smiling for him

he asked me if I was feeling alright,

and put a hand on my forehead.

"you're acting weird."

weird?

aren't i acting how you want me to?

like feliciano?

don't i make you happy?

i can tell by your frown

that you're not happy

and i want to cry

isn't there anything i can do to make you happy?

**vii**.

red is a nice colour against my skin

but so is purple.

blood looks good on me

but so do bruises.

**viii.**

i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry

because it doesn't hurt it doesn't hurt it doesn't.

it doesn't hurt.

i'm fine.

but that's a lie

i think

i don't know anymore

what's true and what isn't

i'm okay i'm hurting i'm fine i'm suffering

but i'm not

or am i?

i

don't

know.

it hurts to think

it hurts to live

**ix.**

_Now I lay me down to sleep,_

_I pray the Lord my soul to keep,_

_If I shall die before I wake,_

_If I shall die before I wake,_

_If I shall die before I wake,_

_If I shall die before I wake_

_If I shall die—_

_I pray the lord my soul to take._

**x.**

today

i was happy for the first time in a long time.

today

i died.


	2. antonio

**i.**

today i found out about romano

about lovino

nononononopleaseno

"suicide" germany had informed me

noitcan'tbeplease

"i'm sorry."

no.

please

tell

me

it's

a

lie

**ii.**

i think that

when he died,

he took me with him.

he must have.

because

when he died

i died, too.

my body was dead

but my soul,

my mind,

was as lost

as my sweetdearlovely_dead_ lovino.

**iii.**

it must have been my fault.

i had mistaken him for his brother, oncetwicethree times.

and lovino hated that.

it must have been my fault

the two might look alike

but there were (_are _because he can't be gone, he can't he can't he can't) differences.

only a fool could ever confuse the two.

i

am

such

a

fool

it was my fault.

**iv.**

my world is so plain

so ugly.

white rooms, white furniture, white carpet

whitewallsslowlycavingin

the only beautiful thing in my life

is now gone,

and no amount of alcohol will change that.

the wine bottle slips from my fingers

falls

down

down

down

(falling? like me? because i am falling downdowndown into the darkness)

and

down.

red stains white.

red.

what a pretty colour.

**v.**

as the shattered glass deliberately

cuts

into

my

skin

i remember.

i remember his scars.

i hadn't said anything then;

i didn't know what to say,

how to say it.

now it is too late.

as the shattered glass deliberately

cuts

into

my

skin

i wonder

will anyone notice my scars

and will they stay silent, too?

**vi.**

one

two

three

fourfivesixseveneightnineten

each fresh cut

bleeds

for

him.

**vii.**

i wonder

that day when he smiled for me,

when he had been acting so unlike himself,

had been acting like his brother,

had that been for me?

but oh no

my sweetdearlovely_dead_ lovino

you didn't have to do all that

you

being you

was all that it took for me to be happy.

why didn't i ever tell you that?

why didn't i realize that you need to be told that sooner?

why?

**viii**.

codeine

morphine

oxycodone

methadone

acetaminophene

none of it is enough

to kill this pain.

**ix.**

_dios te salve, maría, llena eres de gracia,_

_el señor es contigo._

_bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres,_

_y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús._

_santa maría, madre de dios,_

_ruega por nosotros, pecadores,_

_ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte._

_ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte._

_ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte._

_en la hora de nuestra muerte._

_nuestra muerte_

_mi muerte_

_…._

_amen._

**x.**

today

i was with lovino again.

today

i died.

* * *

><p><strong>note<strong>: i decided to make spain's response to both this story and my other story, m o r t e

in section ix, the prayer is the hail mary prayer in spanish:

"_hail mary, full of grace,_

_our lord is with thee._

_blessed art thou among women,_

_and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, jesus._

_holy mary, mother of god,_

_pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our death_

_amen_."

spain repeats the line: "in the hour of our death" several times, before switching to "our death," and finally "my death," then closing it with "amen."

i don't pretend to know spanish; i found the spanish version of the prayer online and played with it a bit, thus grammar and vocabulary might be inaccurate. do correct me if i am incorrect, please.

also, i have made a tumblr account where i will be posting my stories, and previews of my future stories, among other things. a link to my account can be found in my profile.

thank you for reading.


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